Sorry, I have no videos of aliens taking over the world, or exploding White Houses or anything. What I do have is the best video EVER. EVER.
Happy 4th of July! Try not to burn anything down with your crazy fireworks, ok?
I've been getting some seriously awesome Spam - with killer subject lines. They almost make me want to make my erection huge with large doses of Viagra, Cialis and other prescription drugs -- all while wearing the hottest new replica watches and bags!
Here are a few of my faves:
- May the foreskin be with you.
- Silence of the loins
- Backdoor Lambada
- Good Willie Humping
and what has to be my ultra favorite:
- Sperms of Endearment
Well played, Spammer Dudes.
I have never been to a place so photogenic. You couldn't take a bad photo! (Lots and lots more photos here.)
1) Pipe and Drum bands are awesome. AWESOME.
3) Irn Bru: Tastes just like Bazooka Joe Bubble gum. Also, Haggis is delicious. Seriously delicious. No kidding!
4) Wanna meet some celebs? Go to a cemetery. They're dead, but man, they're cool about posing for photos. ADAM SMITH, people! Wealth of Nations! We were so damn excited.
Adam Smith not your cup of tea? HOW ABOUT DAVID HUME???? I thought so.
5) We went for walks - miles and miles of walks and saw this.
6) We saw castles. LOTS OF CASTLES. And abbeys. And kirks. And cemeteries. And MORE CASTLES.
7) We went to the highlands and met a highlander and looked for Nessie.
I'M GOING TO EDINBURGH!
I get to stay here.
I get to eat this:
I get to see this:
and this:
and this
and maybe drink lots of this:
This rant was brought to you by the letters S-H-U-T and by the letters T-H-E H-E-L-L U-P.
So, I've been following the Obama campaign on and off (I'm suffering from Democratic Race Fatigue, unfortunately, and can't muster the energy to stay up till the wee hours watching pundits and talking heads dissect every sentence, pause and breath of each candidate.)
Of course, everytime Obama's face flashes up on the screen, Reverend Wright's mug comes up. Clips of his incendiary speeches (ok, soundbytes, really. But man, those are some juicy ass soundbytes) are played over and over again. Then there's the allegation that the U.S. gov't developed AIDS to infect people of color. He's held one news conference after another, doing his level best to "explain" his words and defend his actions.
I don't know about you, but something stinks. It reeks of desperate attention whoring.
Fine, his words were taken out of context. Alright, I'll keep an open mind about everything he's said. But when the hell will he shut up? Every word he's spoken has helped chip away at Obama's support. Every news conference Reverend Wright has held has done nothing but damage a presidential candidate's campaign for change, unity, and hope. Does he NOT want Obama to win? Reverend Wright's so busy trying to cover his own ass and come off as misunderstood and misrepresented that he's left a man of his congregation to clean up and have his own integrity, patriotism, and commitment to America questioned.
Reverend Wright, can't you freaking wait till after Obama's got the presidential nomination before you open your mouth? Take one for the goddamed team and shut up - in fact, shut up until AFTER Obama wins the presidency! It sure makes you look like nothing but a publicity whore when you wail injustice and unfair media scrutiny but hold one press conference after another. You decry how white (though, as a Filipina American, I can certainly read between the lines and see that you really mean ANYONE who is not YOU) America as out to get you for misunderstanding every juicy soundbyte.
Go away, Reverend Wright. I'm bored with you, Reverend Wright. Not only that, I find it rather distasteful that you're so busy "helping" yourself that you've hosed one of your own flock: all for that shiny, false idol of media attention.
P.S. eta, I DECLARE SHENANIGANS!
So I'm flippin' through all my social networks (I'm busy at work. So I'm procrastinating. It is the story of my life) and I'm all - hey, let me see if I can find any cousins/old friends/family in the Philippines on this thing!
I do a quick search on the family name and I get a list of names that nearly made me pee my pants.
- Lust. No, for fucking real. Some parent named their kid LUST. Remember, the Philippines is primarily Roman Catholic. To name your kid that one out of the 7 Deadly Sins is pretty fucking hilarious. I guess it's better than Gluttony. I would've lobbied for Vanity myself.
- Aids. Yeah. I don't know.
- Lard. Maybe it's a nickname. I don't care, I'd knock someone's teeth out if they called me Lard.
- Maria Clara Emmanuel Joy Olive. That is her entire name. I haven't even added the mother's maiden name and last name. Why would you punish your kid like that? Imagine, she's in first grade, the teacher gives a pop quiz. Teacher asks kids to write their name. The quiz is over and poor Maria Clara Emmanuel Joy Olive hasn't even finished writing her first name.
- BabyMae.. Sweet motherfucking lord. I know, I know, Baby is totally a normal name/nickname in the Phils, but it still cracks my shit up. I also love the lack of space, yet the extra capitalization.
- Utot. This has got to be a joke or funny nickname though. Because if your parents named you "Fart," it is because they HATE YOU.
- Yrene. I'm assuming that's pronounced I-rene.
Oh my people, you crack my shit up.
ETA: I should have known there was some kind of explanation for the weirdness.
My niece is getting to be that age. Yes, that age when the sweet, adorable darling is kidnapped by demonic beings and is replaced by a sullen, zitty, body-hair-y, attitude-problem-y monster.
That's right, ladies and gents. Michele's going through puberty. *cue music*
Was I ever that evil? Don't answer that, Mom, as it was purely rhetorical. By the way, you are a GODDAMNED SAINT and need to be canonized for going through that shit not once, but three times (and soon to be four). I am surprised that you did not smother us (and her!) in our sleep. I am tempted to do so on a weekly basis, and I don't even live with the little snot. That fresh hell is reserved for my poor parents who have the bad luck having custody of the brat.
As though puberty wasn't enough, there is more delicious torture in the horizon.
Oh, yes. The talk. The Birds, the Bees, the STDs.
Mom, being a saint but no superhero, has delegated that responsibility to me. I, being very smart and having gone to colidge to get edumacated (Thanks again, Mom! Glad you're getting your $120K's worth somehow!) have decided to split the responsibility with my sister. She is EVEN SMARTER than me - she moved more than an hour away from my parents' home. Unfortunately for her, that's not quite far enough to escape The Talk.
Daphne will provide the Birds and Bees talk. Thank God for small favors, as the thought of telling my niece about penises and vaginas and what nots gives me the hives. Daphne has also perfected the Zen Buddha Face. Good - she's gonna need it when my niece peppers her with questions. Don't forget to take your happy pills, Daphne! I'll bring some antacids too, just in case. You, on the other hand, will have to share the freaking valium with Mom, as she putters around the kitchen pretending to clean.
I get to give the fun part of the talk. I will make sure that I have all sorts of gory, graphic photographs of bleeding sores, oozing pustules, missing appendages, ad nauseum. Images of strange scuttling creatures that nest in your crotchal region? Check. Boils the size of small volcanoes? Check. Goatse.cx? CHECK!!! Ok, that last one really is for pure gross out impact. Also, it's funny.
Yes, yes, you're thinking "Oh GOD, you're going to traumatize her!" or "Shit, that's fucking cruel." or even "Lorelei, you're going to roast in hell." Well, you'd be right.
Huh. I'm kind of looking forward to it now.
