1 post tagged “i'm gonna cook in hell broth”

My niece is getting to be that age. Yes, that age when the sweet, adorable darling is kidnapped by demonic beings and is replaced by a sullen, zitty, body-hair-y, attitude-problem-y monster.

That's right, ladies and gents. Michele's going through puberty. *cue music*

Was I ever that evil? Don't answer that, Mom, as it was purely rhetorical.  By the way, you are a GODDAMNED SAINT and need to be canonized for going through that shit not once, but three times (and soon to be four).  I am surprised that you did not smother us (and her!) in our sleep.  I am tempted to do so on a weekly basis, and I don't even live with the little snot. That fresh hell is reserved for my poor parents who have the bad luck having custody of the brat. 

As though puberty wasn't enough, there is more delicious torture in the horizon.

Oh, yes.  The talk.  The Birds, the Bees, the STDs.

Mom, being a saint but no superhero, has delegated that responsibility to me.  I, being very smart and having gone to colidge to get edumacated (Thanks again, Mom!  Glad you're getting your $120K's worth somehow!) have decided to split the responsibility with my sister.  She is EVEN SMARTER than me  - she moved more than an hour away from my parents' home.  Unfortunately for her, that's not quite far enough to escape The Talk.

Daphne will provide the Birds and Bees talk.  Thank God for small favors, as the thought of telling my niece about penises and vaginas and what nots gives me the hives.   Daphne has also perfected the Zen Buddha Face. Good - she's gonna need it when my niece peppers her with questions.  Don't forget to take your happy pills, Daphne!  I'll bring some antacids too, just in case.  You, on the other hand, will have to share the freaking valium with Mom, as she putters around the kitchen pretending to clean.

I get to give the fun part of the talk.  I will make sure that I have all sorts of gory, graphic photographs of bleeding sores, oozing pustules, missing appendages, ad nauseum.   Images of strange scuttling creatures that nest in your crotchal region? Check.  Boils the size of small volcanoes? Check.  Goatse.cx? CHECK!!!  Ok, that last one really is for pure gross out impact.   Also, it's funny.

Yes, yes, you're thinking "Oh GOD, you're going to traumatize her!"  or "Shit, that's fucking cruel." or even "Lorelei, you're going to roast in hell." Well, you'd be right. 

Huh. I'm kind of looking forward to it now.