4 posts tagged “wtfuckery”

I've been getting some seriously awesome Spam - with killer subject lines.  They almost make me want to make my erection huge with large doses of Viagra, Cialis and other prescription drugs -- all while wearing the hottest new replica watches and bags!

Here are a few of my faves:

• May the foreskin be with you.
• Silence of the loins
• Backdoor Lambada
• Good Willie Humping
  

and what has to be my ultra favorite:

• Sperms of Endearment
  

Well played, Spammer Dudes.

So I'm flippin' through all my social networks (I'm busy at work. So I'm procrastinating. It is the story of my life) and I'm all - hey, let me see if I can find any cousins/old friends/family in the Philippines on this thing!

I do a quick search on the family name and I get a list of names that nearly made me pee my pants. 

1. Lust.  No, for fucking real. Some parent named their kid LUST. Remember, the Philippines is primarily Roman Catholic.  To name your kid that one out of the 7 Deadly Sins is pretty fucking hilarious. I guess it's better than Gluttony.  I would've lobbied for Vanity myself.
2. Aids.  Yeah. I don't know.
3. Lard.  Maybe it's a nickname.  I don't care, I'd knock someone's teeth out if they called me Lard.
4. Maria Clara Emmanuel Joy Olive.  That is her entire name.  I haven't even added the mother's maiden name and last name.  Why would you punish your kid like that?  Imagine, she's in first grade, the teacher gives a pop quiz.  Teacher asks kids to write their name.  The quiz is over and poor Maria Clara Emmanuel Joy Olive hasn't even finished writing her first name.
5. BabyMae.. Sweet motherfucking lord.  I know, I know, Baby is totally a normal name/nickname in the Phils, but it still cracks my shit up. I also love the lack of space, yet the extra capitalization.
6. Utot. This has got to be a joke or funny nickname though.  Because if your parents named you "Fart," it is because they HATE YOU.
7. Yrene. I'm assuming that's pronounced I-rene. 

Oh my people, you crack my shit up.

ETA: I should have known there was some kind of explanation for the weirdness.

Early this week, I had my annual ObGyn appointment.  Not content with riffling through my love box (she had to vacuum all the dust and spiderwebs, what with the lack of hot action), my favorite Vagina Whisperer decided to fondle my throat too.  

She mentioned that my thyroid was enlarged - I asked if it was merely because I am a fat ass and have globules of subcutaneous chunks around my throat.  She said it was possible, but gave me a little prescription/order for a throat sonogram, as well as a full run of blood tests.

I got a call back from one of the nurses on staff today.  She - I swear to god - had a voice just like the trippy unicorns from Charlie the Unicorn. 

Nurse: "Loooooreleeeeiiiii, I'mmm so soooooorrrrry we were playing phonetaaaag, Loooooreleeeeei.  But your blooood test were abnoooorrrrmaaaaal, Looooreleeeeei.  Abnooooorrrrmaaaal.  You'll have to schedule an appointment with an endocrinoooologiiiiist, Lorelei. An endocrinoooolooogist."

After making sure that I was nowhere near Candy Mountain, I thanked her and hung up the phone.

Well, hell.  What's next?  I already gave the blowjobs to end all blowjobs - I deepthroated a camera so that they can check what was up with my stomach (excessive acids).   Now it's my thyroid?

It figures - the only thing I inherit from my real dad is a fucking goiter.  Thanks for nothing "Dad!"  I mean, it wasn't enough that you hauled ass out of your family because it was too much responsibility, but you passed on the goiter too?    Even better, I'm betting I've also got hypothyroidism (which could explain why I can't lose weight. And why I gain weight at the mere thought of food.)  Why couldn't it by hyPERthyroidism?  At least I'd fit into my pants better when I get endocrinologized.

I'm old. My body is totally running down, and my warranty's run out.  Next, I'll go bald. 

Oh fuck, I TAKE IT BACK, whoever is listening, I TAKE IT BACK!

I have a friend who always seemed to bring bad weather with her when she'd visit me in D.C.  The weather channel might predict a sunny weekend with highs in the 70's, but if she was coming down from New York, it was guaranteed that it would be raining cats and dogs with lightning and gale winds.  I would get nervous when she'd visit during the winter, as she would always, ALWAYS bring snow/sleet/ice or a miserable combination of all three.

I'd poke fun at her, telling her to stop bringing ugly weather with her.  But I joked one time too many, and, suddenly looming over me with a dark aura swirling about her, and a look in her eye that struck fear in my heart, she said that I'd better shut my giant cake hole, or else she was going to pass the curse over to me.

Ok, no not really.  There really wasn't any dark aura or crazy look, but she did tell me to shut the fuck up.  And that I was asking for bad luck.

Sure enough, the curse strikes.  I'm going up to NY for the weekend, and what am I bringing with me other than my cute clothes and cute cute shoes and cute cute cute self?  Miserable fucking weather, that's what.  From high 60's this past week, it'll drop down to 27-30 degrees on saturday with wintry mix. 

Seriously, what.the.FUCK?

weather.gif

ETA:  My flight got cancelled.  SHIT.